The Pig Woman and the Old Man

As usual, my son asked me for a bedtime story. Lately, I've just been making them up. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're not good. Tonight's was OK, but my great grandmother's "Pig Woman" story was awesome and freaked me out as a little kid, especially how she used her scary , shaky, and creaky old woman voice. Too bad I forgot the story. The memory of the Pig Woman is still enough to make me creaped out. This story has the pig woman in it, but it's not the same story that my Great-Grandmother told.

Tonight's story went something like this.

There was this little boy walking down an old deserted road and he came up to a house with a very large woman sitting in the front yard. She had a huge nose like a pig and a gigantic mouth that was big enough to bite a grown man in two. When the boy got close enough the woman laughed and snorted and told the boy that she had lots of candy just for him. If he wanted some, he could come and have it.
"You're kind of scary, Ma'am. You're not going to eat me are you?" the boy asked timidly.
"Of course not," she snorted with a gigantic smile. "I won't eat you. I only eat corn. Why don't you come and have some candy?"

"Should the boy get some candy from the Pig Woman", I ask my son. Of course he says no because I make the Pig Woman sound scary. Then I ask him why and if he thinks the woman really has candy. Then I continue,

The Little boy felt better and went over to eat the candy. Just when he was within reach of the Pig Woman, she grabbed him and stuffed him into her mouth. "Crunch, crunch, crunch"

I get a little too graphic sometimes...

Next, a young girl comes walking down the deserted road. When she comes to the Pig Woman's house, she stops and stares at the giant woman. The Pig Woman looks at the little girl with a big smile on her face. After a moment of staring, she says, "Hi little girl. My my my, aren't you a pretty one. I just love your hair. It's beautiful."
The girl smiles at the compliment and introduces herself. The Pig woman laughs and snorts like a pig. "Why don't you come over here so I can take your picture and I'll put in on YouTube for everyone to see. You'll be famous."
The girl looks a little nervous and asks, "You're not going to eat me are you?"
The Pig Woman laughed even harder than before and said, "No of course not silly girl. I only eat corn. Now come over here so I can take your picture."

Should she go to the Pig Woman, I ask my son. Later when I told my older girls the story I asked them the same thing. Of course they said no because of hearing what happened to the little boy.

When the girl walked close to the Pig Woman, she opened her huge mouth and ate the young girl. "Crunch, crunch, crunch"

Later an old man came slowly down the road. He was so old that he had a cane and a white beard. The Pig Woman studied him as he walked and came up with a plan just for him. When he was close enough to hear her, she said hello and asked him how he was.
"Feeling a little poorly I am," he said as he walked closer. "I have felt better."
"What's wrong," asked the Pig Woman. "Do you have aches and pains, and owies?"

Yes, I did use the word 'Owies'.

The Old man smiled because someone was willing to hear about his sufferings. "Oh, yes, my back hurts awful and my knees ache when I walk."
"Well you're in luck my old friend. I have medicine that will take all your pain away."

I asked my kids if she really had medicine for him. No. "Why would she lie to him?", I ask. Because she wants to eat him daddy. They think I'm so dumb for not knowing that:)

The old man looked so happy when the Pig Woman told him she had medicine. She laughed and snorted happily. The old man took a long time to walk to her because he was so old. When he got to within an inch of her grasp, he stopped for a break.
"Take your time," she said and smiled. "You're old and need to rest."

I hold my fingers an inch apart to show them what an inch is, and say that if he was just that much closer, the Pig Woman could grab him.

After the old man had rested he picked up his foot to step forward and the Pig Woman smiled wickedly with drool falling over her fat lips. Instead of taking a step forward, the old man pulled a sword from behind his back and chopped the Pig Woman in two. He laughed hard and danced a jig and cut her up to bacon to take home with him.

I asked my kids who was the smartest person in the story and who was the dumbest. Of course the kids were stupid and the old man was smartest. I asked, "The Pig Woman was pretty smart, don't you think?" Yes, they agreed, but the old man was smartest.

Then we talked about how you can't always trust what people say,especially if they tell you what you want to hear. The only people you can trust are those that love you. Then we talked about who loves them and why people will lie to get what they want. I want my kids to be smart and always question, Why.

The End

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